Remember Those Chinese Finger Traps?
What’s up with athletes? When a team runs into the field, they do it together as a group. Before they take the field, there’s a huddle. And when they win, there are hugs, fist-bumps, weird-circle-dances, and flying body-bumps which would terribly injure any normal-sized human.
But when they lose? Each member of the team sits alone. Looking up at the scoreboard down at their toes, or into space, stunned and despondent. It’s like nobody wants to be sad together. Why?
In the previous entries of this series, I have recommended noticing the mind’s theatrical stage with everything that goes on there. But what happens if we don’t like what we see? Why would anyone want to pay very close attention and shine their spotlight on failure, anger, frustration, sadness, or other difficult and uncomfortable emotions?
And what does “difficult and uncomfortable” even mean? Why don’t we like these emotions?
Pain, Pain, Go Away
When we experience an emotion, there is always a physical sensation which goes along with it. These sensations may come in the form of: a racing heart, a cold or hot rush through the body, an uncomfortable tickle in the stomach or chest, a hot face, a warm, pleasurable feeling in your face and chest, shoulder, neck or head aches, a tightening of the jaw, or light-headedness – do any of these sound familiar?
Along with each sensation, there are urges. Our urges are usually meant to prolong a pleasurable physical feeling, or avoid an uncomfortable feeling. It makes perfect sense to not want to feel pain. As well, it would be sensible to think that if you do not like something, you should try and get rid of it!
Your Brain, The Handyman
Fortunately, our very astute brains are awesome at noticing negativity and then working out ways to fix it. This is why there are no monkeys working in skyscrapers. Humans have been able to use logic and reasoning to survive and thrive. It is most likely through language that our brains find problems and successfully solve them.
On the other side of this coin, humans are also compelled to do everything in our power to try and “fix” our physical discomfort whenever it even momentarily pokes its head out from behind the curtain of our minds. The problem is that emotions and emotional pain cannot be fixed using the linguistic system we humans have utilized to fix every other problem (Hayes, 2005).
The outcome is that our brains malfunction when not being able to fix itself and alleviate discomfort. Instead, it does a smart-stupid thing. It avoids. This is very smart in the short term. Not so smart in the long-term.
Our brain concludes that “If I just keep the spotlight over here on my career, I won’t notice the heart disease which is settling in due to my diet”, or “If I can get my muscles to look like bowling balls, I will not have to notice how lonely I am.”
Avoidance comes in many forms, the most common are probably overworking, overeating, drinking to excess, abusing drugs, exercising to the point of injury, and risky sexual behavior. These behaviors all have one thing in common: we want to feel “better” and be “happy.” In children this shows itself as tantrums, screaming, opposition, and other forms of acting out.
Everyone is doing what they hope will make them happy and we all just wants to put a stop to pain.
Don’t get me wrong. For starters, no one is at fault here. You have an awesome brain and it is functioning extremely well. It’s just a rigged game and no one told you. Secondly, it feels nice every once in a while to take a hot bath, it is rewarding to work hard towards career goals, and you may live longer if you enjoy a drink with friends (Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010). And it also makes sense to avoid pointless pain and suffering.
But when your presence, and ability to live a full life in real time is sacrificed on the altar of “staying happy”, it may be time to try something else.
Are You Smarter Than Quicksand?
Pop quiz: what is the correct course of action if you are stuck in quicksand?
It would seem logical to get out fast. So you may try to keep walking, but then each step will create suction and pull the opposite foot deeper into the quicksand. If try to push down with your hands, they will become stuck. What to do?
Counter-intuitively, believe it or not, the way to get out of quicksand is by laying down in it. Making as much contact as possible with quicksand will create more surface area and allow for a person to essentially float on top.
Difficult and uncomfortable emotions require us to become more fully in contact with them. Scary, no?
It turns out that shining the spotlight on the difficult physical feeling and noticing the emotion fully will actually make it easier to endure.
Let’s think about the alternative. We do something, anything, to keep the spotlight away from discomfort. But does it work?
Well, did Little Shop of Horrors work out very well? All he wanted was to keep the flower shop from failing and to impress a girl. The fear of failure and fear of rejection led to perpetuating the growth of a gigantic, man-eating Venus fly trap. Interesting.
Avoiding thoughts and emotions is like:
pulling outward on a Chinese finger trap
trying to hold a plate flat atop ocean waves
telling the ball machine at the batting cages to leave you alone
playing an endless game of tug of war
In other words, at best it’s futile, and at worst, it’s going to hurt more.
Just Say “No”
Don’t believe me yet?
Try this exercise: for the next two minutes, try not to feel your back against your chair, or if you are standing while reading this on a packed train, try not to feel your feet on the floor (or the person bumping into you with each jostle of the car). In fact, try to say “no” in your mind to any thought that even arises regarding this exercise. Do this and then come back.
Hey. Good to see you again. Now, for two more minutes, try do to the same thing, but instead, say “yes” and be willing to feel everything about your experience of sitting, standing, or being bumped into by a (hopefully pleasant smelling) stranger. When you are done, come on back. (Walser & Afari, 2012.)
What was that like? Is it easier to avoid these simple and neutral thoughts, or to let them be. What is it like to say “yes” to every experience during a few short minutes.
Accepting thoughts and emotions is like:
pushing into a Chinese finger trap, so you are let loose
bobbing along with the ocean’s waves, which never stop
watching the pitches, and swinging when you can, even if you don’t hit every one
letting go of the rope
Give saying “yes” a try.
I hope this was an interesting and insightful entry in this series. Please leave comments and questions below, and of course, share with friends who you think are interested in living a richer, fuller, more meaningful life.